Withdrawal

January 2019

I pick you up from the airport and it’s Christmas Day. The streets are empty and I’ve kissed my boyfriend goodbye and I stand at the arrival gates, waiting,            waiting.

Other people exist around me caught in their own games of patience:

There by the pillar is an older woman holding the fidgeting hand of a girl no taller than her hip, curly hair in pigtails, eyes bright.

Sitting on one of the benches is a family of four, jittery and loud, pupils constantly flickering between the opening doors and their faces glowing with joy.

A young Asian man in jeans and a button down top leans against the barrier holding a small bouquet of flowers and doesn’t smile.

I scan through the list of arrivals, there, you’ve landed. Fifteen minutes ago, so you should be out any minute, and I’m watching the people trickle out the two doors and reliving my disappointment each time I realise they’re not you.

I’m beginning to think maybe I missed you, maybe this was the wrong gate- but then, faintly, I hear familiar laughs, lilts of speech that I know in my bones,

and there you are.

My family, my heart- a meeting of gazes and a smile so wide it stretches the skin of my face

and here you are,

warm embraces, a feeling deep in my chest that I know how I fit again, how I belong.

With you around

It’s like the edges of the world are softened by the pillows of your cheeks when you smile,

By the well-worn dips and ridges of my place beside you, within this space.

Time slips past the tips of my fingers like skin-warmed sunscreen,

The cocoon of our laughter transporting me to another time, another place,

Younger, warmer, different,

And it’s like I’m seventeen again.

            (there’s something special about feeling so effortlessly loved,

                        so wholly accepted,

                        so warm and protected)

The last time I saw you (felt this)

Was six months ago. It doesn’t sound like very long

But being here, feeling this, I don’t know how I managed.

I remember the day I had to leave,

Being driven to the airport and dropped off at the terminal,

Hugging you and smiling before I went through security

Before I turned the corner and let myself cry.

I live within every second I spend with you,

Every knowing glance or joke, every busy car ride with three phones navigating

To four different destinations;

Even the bad bits, the puffs of smoke and sarcasm, exasperated sighs

And rolling eyes.

I live within every moment because the time is never on our side,

Never goes slow enough

To stop you from leaving

(and you do).

Without you-

I once again feel so bare so open so adrift;

So much like I’m floating in a wide expanse of ocean with no clue which way is up or down or home.

I like to pretend that I know what I’m doing

But I barely know who I am.